Memoirist Stacy Waldman Bass on Loss, Legacy and the Art of Family "Lightkeeping"
Show Snapshot:
Sudden loss reveals how much we never knew about someone's inner life—and midlife brings the urgency to ask deeper questions while we still can. Photographer Stacy Bass faced this reality twice: losing her father in a 1995 seaplane crash, then watching her mother battle pancreatic cancer 25 years later. Her memoir "Lightkeeper" reveals how she transformed devastating grief into active remembrance through photography and storytelling. We explore: Why are photographs "powerful portals" to forgotten stories? How do we actively keep someone's "light" alive instead of passively grieving? What does it mean to become your family's "lightkeeper"? Stacy shares why slowing down to truly see our photographs and excavate memory and family stories can transmute grief, plus practical ways to preserve the voices and stories that matter most before time runs out.
Show Links:
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Stacy’s Book:
Lightkeeper: A Memoir Through the Lens of Love and Loss
Quotable:
Photographs aren't just keepsakes. They're portals, gateways into memory, into stories that exist just outside the frame.
Transcript:
[00:00:00] Katie Fogarty: Welcome to A Certain Age, a show for women who are unafraid to age out loud. I'm your host, Katie Fogarty. Today we're taking both a Kodachrome-vivid and sepia-tinged walk through a luminous book on love, loss, and family with acclaimed photographer and author Stacy Bass. Stacy's stunning new memoir, Light Keeper, chronicles an extraordinary journey of grief and how it can reshape us in our middle years. When Stacy lost her beloved, larger-than-life father in a tragic seaplane accident in 1995, she began writing to process her grief while gathering photographs that pieced together his life. Twenty-five years later, in midlife, as her mother lost a battle to pancreatic cancer, Stacy created a living tribute of images and words that built an entire community of support around her family. We explore what it means to be the light keeper of family legacy, how photographs serve as powerful portals, unlocking stories that exist beyond a picture frame, and why the light of those we've lost endures and continuously shapes and reshapes us as we age. Whether you are in midlife, facing your own losses, supporting your aging parents, or curious about how art can offer solace and blunt the sharp edges of tragedy, this conversation offers inspiration for navigating life's most challenging moments. I am excited to explore all of this with her today. Welcome to A Certain Age, Stacy.
[00:01:37] Stacy Bass: Thank you so much. Very, very happy to be here, Katie. Nice to meet you.
[00:01:40] Katie Fogarty: It's lovely to meet you. I always pinch myself when I get to spend time with women who have incredible stories. I really enjoyed immersing myself in your book. It's so powerful, it's so evocative. It made me think about my own family, my own relationships, losses. So deeply to me, that's always the hallmark of such an incredible book—when it makes you really just put yourself into somebody's story, but see your own reflected in it as well. I gave the briefest of snapshots to introduce your book, but to begin, can you take us back to 1995? You were living your life, and then everything changed in an instant with your father's seaplane accident. How did you even begin to process this sudden and tragic loss?
[00:02:23] Stacy Bass: As the book is about to be published tomorrow, I've spent a lot of time back in that day in 1995, and it's really hard to go back there in some ways, even though it's been 30 years. I feel like those moments are just under the surface all the time. But to go back to that day, what I can tell you is that it was an absolutely beautiful August day, as it always seems to be on that date, strangely, year after year. And I was waiting for my dad to come home from an errand, really. He had taken his plane, which he piloted, across the sound to the Hamptons to pick up my cousin who had been there for the weekend. And just as it turned out that day, he asked me to go, and for various reasons, I couldn't. And so he asked my other cousin to go, and he went along with his friend. I don't know exactly what happened because, as you know, those were the days where people weren't communicating 24/7 on their phones and texting and such. And so somewhere in between when they got to the Hamptons and when they were supposed to come home, they must have decided to make a detour and go to Block Island for lunch. It was most likely, knowing my father, just an adventure and didn't think much of it other than an opportunity to be in the sky doing something he loved on a beautiful day. And they never made it home. The plane crashed on Block Island, killing my father and my cousin's friend, as well as, very, very tragically, an older woman who was on the ground in Block Island who, as it turned out, was the mother of the fire chief and a beloved woman in town. And I was waiting back in Westport for my dad to arrive home, and he never did. So as you alluded to, that moment was shattering in every possible way—the incredulousness, what was going on in terms of the ripple effects, because of the circumstances being not just my father but also my cousin. So his sister's children and our entire extended family was thrown into a reality that none of us could have ever imagined. It was a really, really difficult thing. And thinking back on it, I don't know how I could have made it any different than it was. It was just horrific on every level. And I thought about the other day, sort of like at that time, I was 28 years old. So you can imagine, at 28, you kind of have—if your life is a puzzle with thousands of pieces—you kind of have the border, if you will, of the puzzle kind of pretty set. You've put it together over all of those years, but there's still pieces in the middle that haven't...
[00:05:00] Stacy Bass: ...come together in terms of your family or maybe how your career will progress. And in that instant, this cataclysmic thing that happened blew all of those puzzle pieces so far from the table that you were working on them that it took a really, really long time to kind of resurrect it, to look for those pieces, to figure out if you still believe some of the things that you believed before. Did you still like strawberries? Any of those things. It felt like life was divided into before and after. And in some ways, I'm still dealing with the after, and I imagine I will be forever. And I think that's part of what I was trying to accomplish with the book—making people aware that it's not just aware, but making people understand that it's okay if you grieve indefinitely. I think there's sort of, I feel, a misconception that you're supposed to go through the stages of grief, and then when you're done, you're sort of on the other side of it. And that's really not been my experience. I think that doesn't mean that you are in distress for 30 years. It just means that you need to find a way to kind of hold both things in your body at the same time—be grieving, be missing, feel all of the pain of what happened, but also be able to find joy in your life and have relationships, and be able to have those two things coexist.
[00:06:30] Katie Fogarty: Well, one of the ways that you initially turned to sort of coping and trying to pick up a handful of these puzzle pieces was writing. You had been writing about your father and this experience and your relationship and your cousins and your family for a number of years. But you then also turned to photography and sort of excavated your own memories, tried to learn new things about your father. And you describe photographs as powerful portals into memory. Is there a specific photo that opened up a long-term memory of your father, or maybe even taught you something that you didn't know before you found it?
[00:07:10] Stacy Bass: Yeah, it's a great question. It's actually a little bit of the inverse, in the sense that the photography really was my passion and my purpose. So I kind of turned to photography first, thinking that it would be something that would offer solace while I was trying to deal with all of the layers of emotion that were the result of the accident. And then the writing kind of came after. It was the writing that made me realize that you needed to examine outside the frame and maybe not just look at what appeared to be in the picture. Let's say your parents right before they left for a day trip on the plane, for example. But what was going on just before or just after, or what happened that day? And I guess that over time, as sort of the self-proclaimed family archivist, I have all the photos. I have those photos that were once in a slide carousel, the ones that are now in binders, ones that are in boxes and in envelopes and boxes. Some are labeled, some are not. Some are just in a pile, which I think everybody has some equivalent of that. And it was over time that I discovered that just kind of dipping into those photos and looking for something new, something I hadn't seen before, maybe had seen but didn't remember, could be such a powerful, moving connective tissue—a way of getting back to my parents in particular. I guess my father at that time when I was feeling a little bit too much distance or missing his voice, which is something that I have really lost the memory of completely, and that's very, very difficult. But the photos—I wouldn't say there's one picture in particular to answer your question more precisely—but just sort of the cumulative effect of looking at the photos and exploring and in that time, like asking my mother questions about, "Well, who is this person with—who appears with my dad in that picture? Was it his fraternity brother? Was it a friend that he had met through work?" Just sort of the experience of asking the questions gave the pictures more depth than they would have had otherwise, and that was extremely healing for me.
[00:09:15] Katie Fogarty: It's interesting listening to you talk about the photo of seeing your parents getting ready to go on a trip and wondering what happened before and then what happened afterwards on the trip, and how you had this curiosity to know more because your father was absent. But in some ways, you think about—I'm thinking about myself—my family had this whole past life. And sometimes in midlife, we get to midlife and we become more curious about our parents, because when we're young, we're so busy being the center of our own worlds that we don't have that curiosity. That's one of the reasons why I thought I found this book to be so engaging, because it made me think, "Huh, Stacy's raising things right now that I can still ask and I can learn more." And I felt it was such a wonderful nudge mechanism for me to think. And it made me also think about my own children, because my kids were like you. They watched us do family trips with all of our friends. And have we...
[00:10:00] Katie Fogarty: ..invited them into the stories of those friendships? Have we shared our life with them adequately so that when—God forbid, knock on wood—but when we're gone, will they have an understanding of the friendships and the relationships and the texture of who we are as people beyond their relationship with us? And I think that's one of the wonderful things about your book, is that it made me ask those questions of myself. And I know that one of the questions you ask in the book, or one of the things that you raise in the book is this question, "Who will tell our family stories once we're gone?" And as I was reading the book, I realized it's not just telling the story of your father, it's your mother, it's you, it's your children. It's really a meditation on family legacy across generations. How did your children respond to learning more about your father through this process of creating the book?
[00:11:00] Stacy Bass: That's such a great question, and I think it's ongoing in some ways because the book is just coming out. But I have to say that I feel like my kids, who are now in their early 20s, have always had a sense of my father even though they never met him. And that's been something that I have been very intentional about from the very beginning. I wanted them to know who he was, to understand his humor, to see pictures of him, to hear stories. And I think that in many ways, creating this book has given them an even deeper understanding. My daughter, in particular, has read the book and has said things to me that have made me realize she gets it in a way that I wasn't sure she would. She understands the complexity of grief. She understands what it means to lose someone before you're ready. And I think for my son, who's a little bit more private about his emotions, he's expressed to me that he feels connected to my father through the stories and through the photographs. And I think that's one of the gifts of doing this work—is that it does create that bridge across generations. It allows people who never met to still have a relationship in some way.
[00:12:20] Katie Fogarty: I love that. And I think that's such an important reminder for all of us about the power of storytelling and the power of keeping these memories alive. You mentioned earlier that your mother also passed away from pancreatic cancer. And in the book, you talk about creating this living tribute during her illness using photographs and words to build community around your family. Can you tell us more about that experience and how it differed from losing your father?
[00:12:50] Stacy Bass: Yeah, it was completely different in so many ways. I mean, losing my father was sudden and traumatic and there was no preparation. With my mother, we had some time. We knew she was sick. We knew, ultimately, what the outcome was likely to be, even though we all hoped for a miracle. And I think that having that time allowed me to be more intentional about how I wanted to honor her and how I wanted to bring people along on that journey. And so I started sharing photographs on social media—on Instagram in particular—of my mother, of our family, of memories. And I would write captions that told stories or shared what was happening in the moment. And what happened was this incredible outpouring of love and support from people—some who knew my mother, some who didn't, people from all different parts of my life and my mother's life. And it became this way of not feeling so alone in the grief, even as it was happening. It was almost like I was processing it in real time and inviting people to process it with me. And I think that was healing not just for me, but I think it was meaningful for my mother too. She knew that people were thinking about her, that people cared, that her life mattered to so many people. And so it was a very different experience from losing my father, but equally profound in its own way.
[00:14:20] Katie Fogarty: That's so beautiful. And I think it speaks to how we've evolved in terms of how we share grief and how we process loss. When your father died in 1995, social media didn't exist. But when your mother was ill, you had this tool that allowed you to create community in a different way. Do you think that changed the experience for you?
[00:14:42] Stacy Bass: Absolutely. I mean, I think it changed it dramatically. And I've thought a lot about this because I do think there's something to be said for the privacy of grief as well. And I was very mindful about what I shared and how I shared it. I never wanted to exploit my mother's illness or make it about me in a way that felt self-serving. But I do think that by sharing what was happening, it created this sense of collective grief, collective support, that I didn't have when my father died. When my father died, it was very much—you know, people came to the funeral, people sent cards, but then life went on. And I was left to process it very privately and very internally. And with my mother, I felt like I had this army of people who were holding me up, who were checking in, who were sending messages of support. And that made a huge difference. It didn't make the grief less painful, but it made it feel less isolating.
[00:15:45] Katie Fogarty: That's such an important distinction—that the grief isn't less, but the isolation is less. And I think that's one of the challenges of grief, is that it can feel so lonely. Even when you're surrounded by people, it can feel like you're the only one experiencing it. You talk in the book about being a light keeper. Can you explain what that means to you and how you've taken on that role within your family?
[00:16:10] Stacy Bass: Yeah, the term "light keeper" came to me when I was thinking about lighthouses and how they serve as beacons, guiding people home, keeping them safe. And I started thinking about how, in many ways, that's what I've been doing with my family's legacy—keeping the light on, making sure that the stories don't get lost, that the memories stay alive, that future generations know where they came from. And I think being a light keeper means being intentional about preserving these stories, about sharing them, about making sure that the people we've loved and lost continue to have a presence in our lives and in the lives of our children and grandchildren. It's a responsibility, but it's also a privilege. It's a way of honoring the people who came before us and making sure that their light continues to shine.
[00:17:05] Katie Fogarty: I love that metaphor. It's so evocative. And I think it really captures the essence of what you've done with this book. You've created this beacon that will continue to shine not just for your family, but for anyone who reads it. One of the things that struck me about the book is how you weave together different timelines—the past and the present, your father's story, your mother's story, your own story. Was that challenging to structure?
[00:17:30] Stacy Bass: It was very challenging, actually. I wrote many, many drafts of this book over many years. And I think one of the hardest parts was figuring out how to move between time periods in a way that felt organic and not confusing. I didn't want it to feel disjointed or like the reader was being whiplashed from one timeline to another. But I also felt like the only way to tell the story authentically was to show how the past and present are constantly in conversation with each other. How losing my father shaped how I experienced losing my mother. How becoming a parent myself gave me new insights into my own parents. How memories surface unexpectedly and take you back to a different time. So I tried to structure it in a way that honored that non-linear nature of memory and grief, but also gave the reader enough grounding that they could follow along. And I hope it worked. I think it's one of those things where different readers will have different experiences of it.
[00:18:35] Katie Fogarty: I think it absolutely worked. I found it very easy to follow, and I thought it gave the book such richness—that ability to move through time and see how everything is connected. You also include photographs throughout the book. How did you decide which photographs to include?
[00:18:55] Stacy Bass: That was probably one of the most difficult parts of creating the book, because I have thousands and thousands of photographs. And narrowing it down to a selection that would fit in the book and also tell the story in a visual way was really challenging. I wanted the photographs to enhance the narrative, not just illustrate it. I wanted them to reveal something that the words couldn't fully capture. And so I spent a lot of time looking through the archives, pulling out different images, trying them in different places in the manuscript, seeing how they worked with the text. And ultimately, I chose photographs that I felt were powerful on their own but also added a layer of meaning to the story. Some of them are of my father, some are of my mother, some are of family gatherings, some are landscapes. And I think together they create a visual narrative that parallels the written narrative.
[00:19:55] Katie Fogarty: The photographs are stunning. And I think they do exactly what you intended—they add so much depth to the story. I also want to ask you about the title, Light Keeper. It's such a beautiful, evocative title. Was that always the title, or did you arrive at it through the writing process?
[00:20:15] Stacy Bass: I arrived at it through the writing process. I had many different working titles over the years, some of which were terrible and I won't share. But when I landed on Light Keeper, it felt right immediately. It captured everything I was trying to convey—the idea of tending to memory, of keeping stories alive, of being a beacon for your family. And it also has this dual meaning because my father loved the water, loved boats, loved being on the sea. And lighthouses were always a part of that world. So it felt like it honored him as well. And once I had that title, it actually helped me focus the book in a way that I hadn't been able to before. It gave me a through line, a central metaphor that I could come back to throughout the narrative.
[00:21:05] Katie Fogarty: It's the perfect title. It really is. And I think it will resonate with so many readers who are also trying to be light keepers for their own families. Now, you mentioned that you've been writing this book for many years. How long did it actually take from the first draft to publication?
[00:21:25] Stacy Bass: Oh my goodness, well, I started writing seriously about my father's death probably within a year of it happening. So that's 30 years of writing in various forms—journal entries, essays, attempts at longer narratives. But in terms of this specific book, I would say it took about seven or eight years from when I really committed to writing it as a memoir to when it was finally finished and ready for publication. And during that time, I had many moments where I wanted to give up, where I thought, "Who wants to read about my grief? Why am I doing this?" But I kept coming back to it because I felt like there was something important I needed to say, some way of making meaning out of all this loss.
[00:22:15] Katie Fogarty: I'm so glad you persevered because I think this book is going to mean so much to so many people. And speaking of people, I know that writing memoir can be tricky because you're writing about real people, some of whom are still alive. Did you navigate any challenges with that?
[00:22:33] Stacy Bass: Absolutely. I think that's one of the biggest challenges of memoir writing. You're telling your truth, but it involves other people who may remember things differently or who may not want their story told. And so I was very mindful about that throughout the process. I shared drafts with family members. I had conversations with people who appear in the book to make sure they were comfortable with how they were portrayed. And in some cases, I made changes based on that feedback. But ultimately, I had to tell my truth as I experienced it. And I think as long as you do that with integrity and with respect for the people involved, that's the best you can do. You can't please everyone, and you can't let the fear of how people might react prevent you from telling your story.
[00:23:25] Katie Fogarty: That's such important advice for anyone considering memoir writing. I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about your photography work outside of this book. You mentioned that photography was your passion and purpose. Can you tell us a bit about your photography practice?
[00:23:45] Stacy Bass: Sure. I'm primarily a landscape photographer, and I'm particularly drawn to gardens and natural spaces. There's something about the way light moves through a garden, the way seasons change, the cycles of growth and decay that really resonates with me. I think it's connected to the themes of the book in some ways—this idea of transformation, of things being beautiful even as they're dying, of finding light in darkness. And so I've published a couple of photography books focused on gardens. I teach workshops. I do commissioned work. And it's been such a gift to be able to make a living doing something I love, something that brings me joy and connects me to the natural world.
[00:24:35] Katie Fogarty: Your photography is absolutely gorgeous. I encourage everyone to check it out. Now, we're coming up on time, but before we wrap up, I want to ask you about what's next. Do you have another book in the works? Are you continuing with photography projects? What's on the horizon for you?
[00:24:55] Stacy Bass: Well, right now I'm focused on getting this book out into the world and doing events and connecting with readers. But I definitely have ideas percolating for future projects. I think there's always more to explore around these themes of memory and family and legacy. And I'm continuing with my photography work—that never stops. I'm always out in gardens with my camera. So we'll see what emerges. I try not to force it too much and just let the next project reveal itself when it's ready.
[00:25:28] Katie Fogarty: That's wonderful. Well, I hope you'll come back and talk with us about whatever that next project turns out to be. Before we completely wrap up, I have one more question. Throughout this conversation, you've talked about grief and loss, but you've also talked about joy and connection and finding meaning. What do you hope readers take away from Light Keeper?
[00:25:50] Stacy Bass: I think what I hope readers take away is that it's possible to hold both grief and joy at the same time. That losing someone you love doesn't mean you can't still have a relationship with them. That memory is powerful and photographs are powerful and stories are powerful. And that by tending to these things, by being a light keeper for your family, you're doing sacred work. I also hope that the book encourages people to ask questions of their parents and grandparents while they still can, to look at old photographs, to be curious about family history. Because once people are gone, there's so much that gets lost. And if we can preserve even a fraction of it, that's meaningful. And finally, I hope the book is a reminder that we need each other. That in times of grief and loss, community matters. Connection matters. Being vulnerable and sharing our stories matters. Because that's how we get through the hard things—together.
[00:27:00] Katie Fogarty: That's beautiful. And I think you've accomplished all of those things with this book. It's truly a gift to readers. And speaking of community and connection, I know you mentioned having some book events coming up. You said tomorrow night you have your launch event in your hometown, which I'm sure will be emotional. But is that something you're looking forward to despite the emotional intensity?
[00:27:25] Stacy Bass: Yes, I am looking forward to it, actually. I think it will be cathartic in a lot of ways. These are people who knew my parents, who were there during the worst times, who have supported me throughout this whole journey. And so to have them there as I officially bring this book into the world feels really meaningful. It feels like closing a circle in some way. And yes, I'm sure I'll cry, and I'm sure it will be intense, but I think it will also be beautiful. And I'm ready for it.
[00:28:00] Katie Fogarty: I have no doubt it will be beautiful. And I'm so grateful that you took the time to talk with me today before that big event. I know you have a lot going on, and I really appreciate you sharing your story and your insights with our listeners.
[00:28:15] Stacy Bass: Thank you so much for having me, Katie. This has been a really lovely conversation, and I appreciate your thoughtful questions and your genuine interest in the book. It means a lot.
[00:28:28] Katie Fogarty: The pleasure has been all mine. So just to recap for listeners—the book is Light Keeper, it's available tomorrow at bookstores everywhere and online. The audiobook, which you narrated yourself, will also be available tomorrow. People can learn more at lightkeepermemoir.com, and they can see your photography at stacybassphotography.com or on Instagram at @stacybassphoto or @gardensatfirstlight. Did I get all of that right?
[00:28:58] Stacy Bass: You got it all exactly right. Thank you so much.
[00:29:01] Katie Fogarty: Wonderful. Well, Stacy, thank you again for being with me today. Congratulations on the book. I know it's going to touch so many people's lives.
[00:29:10] Stacy Bass: Thank you so much, Katie. I really appreciate it.
[00:29:13] Katie Fogarty: And I also want to mention before we go—you talked about how difficult it was to record the audiobook, particularly the parts about the accident. And you mentioned that the audio engineer encouraged you not to edit yourself, to let the emotion come through. Can you talk a little bit more about that experience? Because I think it's interesting to think about how we present our grief to the world and whether we should try to polish it or just let it be what it is.
[00:29:42] Stacy Bass: Yeah, that was really interesting, actually. I went into the recording session thinking that I needed to be professional, that I needed to get through it without breaking down, that crying would somehow ruin the recording. And the engineer, who was wonderful, basically said, "Look, this is your memoir. This is your story. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to pause, pause. We're not trying to create something artificial here. We want people to hear you as you're experiencing this story." And that gave me permission to just be authentic, to let the emotion come through. And there were definitely moments where I had to stop, where I couldn't get the words out. But we kept those moments in for the most part, unless they were truly unintelligible. And I think that actually makes the audiobook more powerful because listeners can hear the real, raw emotion. They're not just hearing me read words off a page. They're hearing me live the experience again. And that's vulnerable and maybe uncomfortable at times, but it's also honest.
[00:30:55] Katie Fogarty: I think that's incredibly powerful, and I think listeners will appreciate that authenticity. It's part of what makes memoir so compelling—that willingness to be vulnerable and real.
[00:31:07] Stacy Bass: Absolutely. And I think we live in a culture that often wants us to have everything together, to present a polished version of ourselves. And there's value in being messy sometimes, in showing that it's okay to not be okay, that grief is complicated and non-linear and sometimes you're going to cry in the middle of recording your audiobook. And that's actually perfectly fine.
[00:31:32] Katie Fogarty: It's more than fine. It's beautiful. Well, Stacy, I think we've covered so much ground today. I want to thank you one more time for this wonderful conversation, for your openness, for sharing your story, and for creating such a beautiful book that I know is going to help so many people.
[00:31:50] Stacy Bass: Thank you, Katie. This has been wonderful. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and your kindness.
[00:31:56] Katie Fogarty: My pleasure entirely. And to our listeners, thank you for being with us today. I hope this conversation has inspired you to think about your own family stories, to ask those questions while you still can, to look at old photographs with new eyes, and to consider what it means to be a light keeper in your own family. If this episode resonated with you, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Your reviews help other listeners find the show and help us know that this work matters. Special thanks to Michael Mancini, who composed and produced our theme music. I'm Katie Fogarty, and this is A Certain Age. Thanks for listening, and until next time, keep on aging boldly, beauties.