Build Sexual Confidence at Midlife with Dr. Juliana Hauser
Show Snapshot:
Feeling disconnected from your sexual self at midlife? Your sexuality isn't a luxury—it's the final frontier of self-development, says Dr. Juliana Hauser, licensed therapist and author of A New Position on Sex. This week on A Certain Age, we explore the foundational sex education we all deserve, but never received, the roots of sexual shame and how to embrace agency in our sexual and sensual lives. You'll discover—How do you unlearn the "shoulds"? What is holistic sexuality? Why is claiming your sexual identity your responsibility? Listen in to expand your sense of freedom, joy, and sexual wholeness.
Show Links:
Follow Dr. Hauser:
Dr. Hauser’s Book:
A New Position on Sex: A Guide to Greater Sexual Confidence, Pleasure, and Authenticity
Quotable:
Who you are as a holistic sexual being is not a luxury, it's a necessity.
Transcript:
Katie Fogarty 0:00
Katie, welcome to A Certain Age, a show for women who are unafraid to age out loud. I'm your host, Katie Fogarty. Beauties, what if the key to better sex isn't learning new techniques or buying that perfect lube, but instead unlearning everything holding you back? Today's guest is here to change how you think about sexuality, sensuality, pleasure, and self-discovery. Dr. Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist and renowned sex expert whose new book, A New Position on Sex, offers the foundational sex education we all deserve but never received. Through decades of clinical practice, she's helped thousands shed shame, embrace their own sexual essence, and create deeply fulfilling intimate lives. Whether you're seeking greater sexual confidence or healing from sexual challenges or trauma, or perhaps are simply curious about redefining your midlife sexuality and sensuality, this conversation offers all the things. You are going to learn how to tap into your sexuality and sensuality with self-assurance and joy. Welcome back to A Certain Age, Juliana.
Dr. Juliana Hauser 1:14
Oh, it's so great to be back, Katie.
Katie Fogarty 1:16
I'm really excited. We had such a fantastic conversation several years ago. I think about things you shared on that show all the time. That conversation was specifically on sex and intimacy in midlife. Now you're back with a book that really focuses on sex but also identity. You open your book by asking, who are you at your core? Why is that the starting point for understanding our sexuality rather than focusing on techniques and tips?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 1:43
Yeah, I appreciate you noting that too, because for me, it is the reason why we have such a misunderstanding about sexuality. We're taught that sex and sexuality are the same thing, and that sex and understanding who we are as a sexual being is about what we do with our bodies and with whom, and that's it. What we don't want to happen, and all the bad things that can happen if we do things. It has created a culture that is based in fear, is miseducated or not educated at all, and has lost this big part that thousands of years ago we understood—which is who we are as sexual beings is an expression of the truth of who we are, as well as a pathway to learn who we are. And I stumbled upon it in an unlikely way. It was my work as a therapist, with my curiosity about sex and how little we were talking about it, and my time in an acting class. And when those three things converged, all of a sudden, it hit me like, oh, we've learned the wrong thing about who we are as sexual beings. And this is an area of our life that we spend such little time in that it is rich and has so much information for us and is waiting for us to discover it.
Katie Fogarty 3:10
Juliana, you really describe sexuality as the final frontier of self-development. Why do you think we tackle everything else first before addressing our sexual selves?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 3:21
We have a sexual culture that is built in shame and taboo. We've decided that sexuality is something that has a time and a place and a context that's right, and everything else is wrong about talking about it, learning about it. And when you are inundated with that messaging from birth and you are being given this from generation to generation, then it's going to be something that you also feel needs to wait. Or we decide, if we have a list of 10 things, we're going to put everything else ahead of that, because everything else seems more urgent. We haven't really figured out the value of sex in general. We also haven't figured out the value of who we are as sexual beings.
Katie Fogarty 4:04
Well, I love the word value, because I think that so many of the topics that I explore on this show is sort of discovering or rediscovering our value at midlife. I do so many shows on menopause, how it impacts our body, what is the role of menopause for women like, why do we live beyond our reproductive years? And it's just such an interesting concept. So when you talk about this notion of value, it's something that I think that we're all trying to grapple with at this age and stage. What do you see as the value of sex beyond simply reproduction? Because most of the listeners on my show, you know, that ship has sailed. We're moving into this next phase of life.
Dr. Juliana Hauser 4:51
So what I've learned when you can start looking at who you are as a sexual being holistically, and again, not just about sex acts and who you're doing sex acts with, when you see it as this all-encompassing thing, which is what I did with this book—I have nine pillars of holistic sexuality. When you look at that, and when you see yourself in this, you know, turning around in a 360, then you see there's so much value to looking at yourself through the lens of a holistic sexual being, not just again as a sex being. And when you do that, you understand that sexuality—it's so hard to dive into again, because of the taboo-ness of the topic and how many rules there have been put upon this and the political nature of it. If you can ask yourself these questions, if you can sit in the ambiguity of not knowing some of the answers, if you can assert yourself through agency in looking at how you may be different than other people, if you are cutting your teeth on those skills within the context of sexuality, then you can let those skills bleed very easily into other areas of your life outside of sexuality. And so the shortest way to say that is, it's so hard to learn who you are as a sexual being because of our sexual culture. If you could do it, if you can learn who you are as a sexual being right now, then you can figure out who you are outside of that also.
Katie Fogarty 6:12
I want to explore the nine pillars of sexuality. But first, let's talk about what gets in the way. You've used the word taboo a couple of times in this conversation. I know that you share in the book that we need to unlearn some stories, the shoulds, the stigmas that we've collected over the years. There's no one size fits all to this, probably because we all come from different backgrounds, different families, different religions, that all sort of swirl around us to shape who we are as individuals. But what are some of the sort of the biggest, sort of most damaging, most problematic shoulds or taboos that you see people being stymied by? Is there a universal one?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 6:57
The number one is that our sexual culture has decided there is one right way to be a sexual being and everything else is wrong.
Katie Fogarty 7:08
What is the right way?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 7:10
Well, it depends on what group you belong to, which is the whole irony of it. Because the right way changes. It changes based on political context, religious context, geographical location, ethnic background. It changes. And when you look at sexual culture throughout time, you can see that the shoulds change too. So there's no one should, which is why it's like the universal should is there is one right way, and you need to adhere to it. And the shoulds are what make up the one right way. So the shoulds could be, you know, within your marriage, this is what you should be doing. Within your sexuality, this is what it should look like. You should be having sex this many times a week. You should never explore if you're in this type of relationship structure or that type of relationship structure. And I think that when we're going through that, and we're looking at, like, who we think we are, supposed to be, and what we're supposed to be doing, then we don't have enough space to ask ourselves, well, if all of that is true, based on that context, how does that land in my heart? What do I want my sexual life to be? And we don't have that as being a compass point. And the compass point ends up being, am I following all the rules? And if so, I'm good. And if not, I'm bad. And then we start making decisions, then based on those, versus being like, okay, well, these are the rules in my culture, my larger culture and my subcultural groups. How does that land and feel in my body? Is it working for me? And if we had that as a benchmark, then we could make our own decisions. And those decisions might look the same as the larger culture, or those decisions might veer quite a bit. And there's nothing wrong with either of those. But I think when we don't even get to ask ourselves the question, what do I want? Or does this work for me? Then we miss out on so much learning.
Katie Fogarty 9:08
So it sounds like a huge step forward is just the awareness that there is that cultural, the should of your family, the should of your religion. Those exist and just acknowledging that they exist is a step forward. And then you also talk about sort of unwinding sexual shame, and you share really honestly in the book about how you had been held back by your own sexual shame, which has a quote in here: 'The sexpert who was still learning to own her sexuality.' And this is such an honest admission. So I really appreciate your openness to share with us what you've learned from that.
Dr. Juliana Hauser 9:54
Yeah, you know, I just, I wanted people who were reading the book to say, oh, if the sexpert, you know, who's written a book, still feels shame about herself and her sexual self and her past and how she's tried to fit into societal norms in her own way. And had her own learning path, where there were some painful places along the way in understanding who she was as a sexual being, and also there were some places where she didn't understand the power dynamics that were at play, and things that were happening that didn't necessarily feel like it was consensual, but there were so many blurred lines. I wanted people to see that this is a lifelong practice. And I think we think we're supposed to arrive. You know, we're supposed to figure out, okay, sex, sexuality, I'm good. I know who I am. I know the acts I like. I know the relationship structure I like, and I got it all dialed in. And when we think of it like that, then we've lost the point of life itself, which is, you know, that we're forever students, and we're always growing. And I think for me to be able to talk about my own sexual experiences in an honest way where I didn't just share, you know, the good stuff, I hope that there is also an element of like, oh, I could take risk and share. You know, these are parts of myself too.
Katie Fogarty 11:17
Yeah, I love the part where you said this is forever, a lifelong practice. This isn't something that you just reach an end goal, check the box, we're done. Like, this is lifelong practice. This is lifelong learning. And I talk about that on the show a lot as it relates to midlife. It's like there's a lot of things in our life that feel like they're one and done, but they're not one and done. You talk about sexual shame, but there's also a lot of other things that trip us up when it comes to embracing our sexuality or sensuality. You have a phrase that I love in the book, and I'm going to read it: 'You cannot explore your sexuality while simultaneously trying to not be judged for it.' And I don't know, when I read that, I was just like, oh, there's so much truth in this. And it just, it feels like such a release to just be like, oh, I need to let go of worrying about being judged. I can't do both at the same time. And I love that. So can you talk about a little bit about that and how people can let go of worrying about being judged?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 12:16
Yeah, so when I was writing that, I also thought, oh, I'm probably going to get judged for writing this sentence. And when I wrote that sentence, the first draft had about, I don't know, 20 words after that were qualifying, like, you know, you're not going to be able to do it all the time, but you're going to try. And I was trying to, like, make it softer and easier. And I remember there was something my editor said to me in one of those edit discussions that she was just like, just own it. And I was like, ah, yes. And it was, that was what I needed in that moment. And I think that what I have been practicing and what I'm trying to emulate is that I want to own myself. Like, I want to own my sexual identity and who I am, and I'm tired of living in a world where I think I'm constantly being judged for these thoughts, for these desires, for my life experiences. And the reality is we can't control being judged. You know, that is happening, or it's not, and it's outside of our control. But what we can control is, am I going to judge myself at the same time? And there is a fine line when we feel safer in the world if we can judge ourselves first before someone else does, you know, and manage that. But I also think that that takes a huge toll on us, especially over time. And I would like us to have a world where we can learn about our sexual selves, where we can explore, where we can be curious and authentic and want to grow without saying, oh, this part is in danger of judgment, and I better not do that.
Katie Fogarty 13:54
You said so many great things in that answer. And one of the things that you touched on is the notion of sexual identity. It's not just what we do, but it's who we are. And you mentioned earlier the nine pillars of holistic sexual health. Can you walk us through those pillars and how they help us understand ourselves more fully?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 14:18
Yeah, so the nine pillars I developed through a lot of clinical work and reading, and also following my curiosity about what are the major themes that come up when someone is talking about their sexual life or their sexual self, and also what is informing that. And so the nine pillars are: sexual attitudes, sexual self-concept, sexual mindfulness, sexual pleasure, sexual communication, relational dynamics, sexual desire, sexual behavior, and sexual health. And when I look at those nine, one of the things that I've learned over the years through the use of the pillars is if we only look at, let's say, two of the pillars, like sexual desire and sexual behavior, which is really what our culture wants us to focus on and thinks that that is all there is, then we miss all of the other rich content that is existing that is impacting those two. So it doesn't really help us learn about who we are and what's happening in a sexual experience if we only look at, well, what did you do with your body and how much do you want to do that thing with your body? And if we can start expanding it to also look at sexual attitudes, so what is your attitude about the thing you're doing with your body, and what is the attitude of the larger culture about the thing you're doing with your body, and what's the disconnect there? Or what are your beliefs about your sexual self-concept? You know, do you think that you're supposed to always want sex? Do you think that desire is supposed to come before behavior? You know, what is your belief about how sex is supposed to work and be? And when you can start looking at, again, all nine of them, you realize that there's so much happening beyond the act itself. And the act itself is actually quite small compared to the bigger picture of who we are.
Katie Fogarty 16:21
I want to pick up on one of those pillars, which is sexual mindfulness. What does it mean to be sexually mindful, and how do we cultivate that?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 16:31
Oh, that's a great question. So sexual mindfulness is being present with your sexual experiences as they're occurring. And it's being able to notice what is happening for you and what is happening in your body and with your partner, if you have one, and to be able to notice those things from a nonjudgmental place. And so often what I find is that we are not mindful when we are having sex. We are thinking about other things. We are worrying about other things. We are distracted. Or we're judging ourselves, which takes us out of the present moment. And sexual mindfulness is this skill, and it is a skill that we can practice, of being able to notice, oh, I'm starting to think about my to-do list. Let me come back to my body. Oh, I'm starting to judge how I look right now. Let me come back to what I'm feeling in my body. And when we can practice that over and over again, we become more present during our sexual experiences, which allows us to have more pleasure, to be more connected to ourselves and to our partners.
Katie Fogarty 17:45
You also talk about the importance of sexual communication, which is another one of those nine pillars. And this seems like it should be obvious, but I know that it's really hard for people. Why is sexual communication so challenging, and how can we get better at it?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 18:02
Yeah, so sexual communication is challenging because we don't practice it. We don't have a culture that says, yes, talk about sex, talk about what you want, talk about what you don't want, talk about your fantasies, talk about your desires. We have a culture that says, don't talk about those things. And so we don't have the muscle memory of doing it. We don't know how to do it. We're worried about being judged. We're worried about hurting our partner's feelings. We're worried about all of these things. And so we stay silent. And when we stay silent, we can't get our needs met. We can't have the sex life that we want. And so the way to get better at it is to practice. And it's to start small. You know, you don't have to start with the big, scary conversation. You can start with something really simple, like, you know, I really liked it when you did this. Or, can we try this thing? And you build up from there. And the more you practice, the easier it gets. And also, I think it's important to remember that sexual communication doesn't just happen in the bedroom. It can happen when you're doing the dishes. It can happen when you're on a walk. It can happen when you're sitting on the couch. You know, you don't have to wait until you're in the middle of a sexual experience to talk about sex.
Katie Fogarty 19:18
I love that. I love that you can start small, and you can have these conversations outside of the bedroom. That feels really doable and really practical. Juliana, I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about something that I think is really important, which is the role of pleasure in our sexuality. And you talk about how we're often focused on performance or meeting our partner's needs, and we lose sight of our own pleasure. Can you talk about that and how we can reclaim our pleasure?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 19:49
Yeah, so I think that, you know, our sexual culture has told us that sex is about performance and that it's about making sure that our partner is happy. And that is especially true for people who are socialized as women. And so we spend a lot of time focused on, is my partner having a good time? Am I doing this right? Do I look okay? And we're not focused on our own pleasure. And pleasure is such an important part of our sexual experiences. And it's not just about orgasm. It's about all of the sensations that we can feel in our bodies. It's about connection. It's about play. It's about exploration. And when we can shift our focus from performance to pleasure, we open up so many more possibilities for what our sexual experiences can be. And so the way to do that is to start paying attention to what feels good to you. And it's to give yourself permission to focus on your own pleasure. And that can be really hard, especially if you've spent a lifetime focused on other people's pleasure. But it's so important. And I think that when we can do that, we not only have better sex, but we also have better lives.
Katie Fogarty 21:03
I love that. Shifting from performance to pleasure. And I think that that's such a powerful reframe. You know, it's not about doing it right. It's about feeling good. And I think that that's something that a lot of us need to hear. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you address in the book, which is sexual agency. And this is a concept that I think is really important, but I'm not sure that everyone fully understands what it means. So can you define sexual agency for us and why it's so important?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 21:32
Yeah, so sexual agency is the ability to make decisions about your sexual life that are aligned with who you are and what you want. And it's having the freedom and the power to say yes to the things that you want to say yes to and to say no to the things that you want to say no to. And it's also being able to change your mind. You know, you can say yes and then say no. You can say no and then say yes. And sexual agency is so important because without it, we can't have authentic sexual experiences. We can't have experiences that are truly ours. And I think that a lot of us have been taught that we don't have sexual agency, that our sexuality belongs to someone else or to a larger culture or to a set of rules. And reclaiming our sexual agency is about saying, no, this is mine. My sexuality is mine. My body is mine. My pleasure is mine. And I get to decide what I do with it.
Katie Fogarty 22:41
That's so powerful. And I think that the idea that you can change your mind is really important. You know, it's not a one-time decision. It's an ongoing series of decisions. And I think that that's really empowering. Juliana, I want to talk about something that I know is really important to you, which is consent. And you talk in the book about how consent is not just a yes or no question, but it's much more nuanced than that. Can you talk about what true consent looks like?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 23:07
Yeah, so true consent is freely given, enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing. So freely given means that there's no coercion, there's no pressure, there's no manipulation. Enthusiastic means that it's a yes, not a maybe or a I guess. Informed means that you have all the information that you need to make a decision. And ongoing means that it's not a one-time thing. It's something that you're checking in about throughout the experience. And I think that a lot of us have been taught that consent is just a yes or no question, and that once you say yes, that's it. But consent can be withdrawn at any time. And I think that it's really important for us to understand that consent is not just about preventing assault or preventing harm. It's also about creating experiences that are pleasurable and that are aligned with what we want. And when we have true consent, when we have that ongoing conversation, we create space for better sex, for more connection, for more pleasure.
Katie Fogarty 24:17
I love that framing. That consent isn't just about preventing harm. It's about creating good experiences. That's a really beautiful way to think about it. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you address in the book, which is sexual trauma. And you talk about how everyone has experienced some form of sexual trauma, whether it's with a big T or a little t. Can you talk about what you mean by that and how we can start to heal from those experiences?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 24:49
Yeah, so when I say that everyone has experienced some form of sexual trauma, what I mean is that we have all had experiences that have impacted our relationship with our sexuality in a negative way. And that can range from what we would think of as big T trauma, which might be sexual assault or sexual abuse, to little t trauma, which might be an experience where someone made a comment about your body or you felt pressured to do something that you didn't want to do, or you had a sexual experience that was disappointing or painful. And all of those experiences matter. They all impact us. And I think that sometimes we dismiss the little t traumas because we think, well, it wasn't that bad. But they add up over time, and they shape how we think about our sexuality and our bodies and our worth. And so healing from those experiences is about acknowledging that they happened, about being gentle with ourselves, about seeking support if we need it, whether that's therapy or talking to a trusted friend or reading books or doing our own work. And it's about reclaiming our sexuality and our pleasure and our bodies. And that's a process. It's not something that happens overnight. But it's so important.
Katie Fogarty 26:16
Can I just say, I love that you're using the phrase 'reclaiming.' Because I think that that's what so much of this work is about. It's about reclaiming parts of ourselves that we've lost or that have been taken from us or that we've given away. And I think that that's such a powerful frame. You also talk in the book about the importance of self-compassion in this work. Can you talk about why self-compassion is so important when we're exploring our sexuality?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 26:49
Yeah, so self-compassion is so important because this work is hard. You know, exploring our sexuality, learning about ourselves, unlearning all of the messages that we've been taught, that's not easy work. And if we're doing it with a lot of self-judgment and self-criticism, it's going to be even harder. And so self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves, being gentle with ourselves, being patient with ourselves. It's about recognizing that we're human, that we make mistakes, that we don't always get it right, and that that's okay. And when we can approach this work with self-compassion, we create space for growth and for learning and for healing. And we also create space for pleasure and for joy. Because if we're constantly judging ourselves and criticizing ourselves, we can't be present. We can't enjoy ourselves. And so self-compassion is really the foundation of all of this work.
Katie Fogarty 27:51
I love that. Self-compassion is the foundation. And I think that that's true not just for sexuality work, but for all of the work that we do on ourselves. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you bring up in the book, which is the concept of sexual scripts. Can you explain what sexual scripts are and how they impact our sexual experiences?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 28:13
Yeah, so sexual scripts are the stories that we've learned about how sex is supposed to go. And they're the narratives that we've internalized about what sex should look like, who should do what, what order things should happen in, what the goal is. And we all have sexual scripts, whether we're aware of them or not. And they come from our culture, from the media, from our families, from our early sexual experiences. And the problem with sexual scripts is that they're often very rigid and very narrow. And they don't leave a lot of room for variation or for exploration or for what we actually want. And so a lot of times people will come to me and they'll say, you know, I'm not enjoying sex, or sex isn't working for me. And when we start to unpack it, we realize that they're trying to follow a script that doesn't fit them. And so part of the work is identifying what those scripts are and then deciding, do I want to keep following this script? Or do I want to write my own script? And when we can write our own scripts, when we can decide what we want our sexual experiences to look like, that's when things get really exciting.
Katie Fogarty 29:33
I love that. Writing your own script. That's so empowering. And I think that that's what this whole book is about in a lot of ways. It's about giving people permission to write their own scripts, to decide what they want, to explore, to be curious. Juliana, I want to talk about something that I think is particularly relevant for the audience of this show, which is sexuality and sensuality in midlife. And you talk about how midlife can actually be a really amazing time for our sexuality. Can you talk about why that is?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 30:07
Yeah, so I think that midlife can be an incredible time for our sexuality for a few reasons. One is that we often have more self-awareness at this stage of life. We know ourselves better. We know what we want. We know what we don't want. We're less concerned with what other people think. And that creates space for us to be more authentic in our sexual lives. Another reason is that we've often had more life experience. We've had more sexual experiences. We've learned things. We've figured things out. And so we can bring that knowledge and that wisdom into our current sexual experiences. And then I think that there's also this element of, you know, especially for people who are past their reproductive years, there can be this sense of freedom. You know, you're not worried about getting pregnant. You're not worried about all of the things that maybe you were worried about when you were younger. And so there's this opportunity to really explore and to really play and to really enjoy yourself. And I think that midlife can be this really rich, exciting time for our sexuality if we let it be.
Katie Fogarty 31:23
I love that. And I think that the key phrase there is 'if we let it be.' Because I think that a lot of us have been told that midlife is the end of our sexuality, that it's all downhill from here. And what you're saying is, no, it can actually be the beginning of something really exciting. And I think that that's such an important message. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you bring up in the book, which is the importance of curiosity in our sexuality. Can you talk about why curiosity is so important and how we can cultivate it?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 32:00
Yeah, so curiosity is so important because it's what allows us to keep learning and growing and exploring. And when we're curious, we're open. We're not coming from a place of judgment. We're coming from a place of wonder. And that creates space for us to discover new things about ourselves and about our sexuality. And I think that a lot of us lose our curiosity over time because we've been taught that there's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. And so we stop asking questions. We stop exploring. We just do what we think we're supposed to do. And when we can reclaim our curiosity, when we can start asking ourselves questions like, what do I like? What don't I like? What am I curious about? What would I like to try? We open up so many possibilities. And the way to cultivate curiosity is just to start asking questions. Start noticing. Start paying attention. And be willing to not know the answers. You know, curiosity is about being okay with ambiguity, being okay with not having it all figured out. And that can be uncomfortable, but it's also where the magic happens.
Katie Fogarty 33:18
I love that. Being okay with not having it all figured out. And I think that that's such an important message for midlife in general, not just for sexuality. You know, we're all figuring it out as we go. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you bring up in the book, which is the relationship between our sexuality and our overall sense of self and well-being. Can you talk about that connection?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 33:46
Yeah, so I think that our sexuality is deeply connected to our overall sense of self and our well-being. And when we have a healthy relationship with our sexuality, when we feel good about our sexual selves, that impacts everything else. It impacts our confidence. It impacts our sense of self-worth. It impacts our relationships. It impacts our mood. It impacts our overall quality of life. And conversely, when we have a lot of shame or a lot of negative feelings about our sexuality, that impacts everything else too. And so I think that working on our relationship with our sexuality is not just about having better sex. It's about having better lives. And it's about feeling more whole and more integrated and more authentic. And I think that when we can embrace our sexuality as a part of who we are, not something separate or shameful or taboo, but just a part of our humanity, that's when we can really thrive.
Katie Fogarty 35:00
That's beautiful. Our sexuality is a part of our humanity. And I think that that's such an important thing to remember. Juliana, I want to talk about something that I think is really important, which is the role of vulnerability in our sexuality. And you talk in the book about how being vulnerable is essential for having authentic sexual experiences. Can you talk about that?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 35:26
Yeah, so vulnerability is essential because authentic sexual experiences require us to show up as who we really are. And that means being willing to be seen, being willing to share our desires, being willing to ask for what we want, being willing to say what we don't want. And all of that requires vulnerability. And I think that a lot of us are afraid of being vulnerable, especially in sexual contexts, because it feels risky. You know, what if we're rejected? What if we're judged? What if our partner doesn't like what we share? And those are real fears. But without vulnerability, we can't have real intimacy. We can't have real connection. And we can't have the kind of sex that we really want. And so part of the work is building our capacity to be vulnerable, building our trust in ourselves and in our partners, and being willing to take those risks. And when we can do that, when we can be vulnerable, that's when we can have the most meaningful, the most connected, the most pleasurable sexual experiences.
Katie Fogarty 36:38
I love that. And I think that that's true not just for sexuality, but for all of our relationships and all of the areas of our lives where we want to have deep connection. We have to be willing to be vulnerable. Juliana, I want to talk about something that you address in the book, which is the importance of play and experimentation in our sexuality. Can you talk about that?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 37:05
Yeah, so play and experimentation are so important because they allow us to explore and to discover and to have fun. And I think that we often take sex way too seriously. We make it about performance. We make it about doing it right. We make it about achieving a certain outcome. And when we do that, we lose the joy. We lose the playfulness. We lose the sense of exploration. And so bringing play back into our sexuality is about being willing to try new things, to be silly, to laugh, to not take ourselves so seriously. And experimentation is about being curious and being willing to step outside of our comfort zones and to see what happens. And I think that when we can approach our sexuality with a sense of play and experimentation, we open up so many possibilities. And we also take a lot of the pressure off. Because if we're just playing, if we're just experimenting, then there's no wrong way to do it. And that creates so much more freedom and so much more fun.
Katie Fogarty 38:18
I love that. There's no wrong way to do it if we're just playing. That's such a freeing concept. Juliana, I want to talk about something that I think is really important, which is the idea of sexual education as an ongoing process. And you talk in the book about how we need to continue to educate ourselves about our sexuality throughout our lives. Can you talk about why that's so important?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 38:46
Yeah, so I think that sexual education is an ongoing process because we're always changing. Our bodies are changing. Our desires are changing. Our relationships are changing. Our lives are changing. And so what we need to know about our sexuality changes too. And I think that we often think of sex education as something that happens when we're young, and then we're done. But that's not true. We need ongoing education throughout our lives. And that education can come from so many sources. It can come from books. It can come from podcasts. It can come from workshops. It can come from therapy. It can come from conversations with partners or friends. And it's about staying curious and staying open and being willing to keep learning. And I think that when we approach our sexuality with that kind of ongoing curiosity and ongoing education, we keep growing. We keep evolving. And we keep having better and better sexual experiences.
Katie Fogarty 39:52
I love that. We keep growing. We keep evolving. And that's the whole point. Juliana, I want to make sure that we talk about something that I know is really important to address, which is sexual trauma and healing. And you've touched on this a little bit, but I want to dig deeper because I think this is something that impacts so many people. And you talk in the book about how trauma can impact our sexuality and how we can begin to heal from those experiences. Can you talk more about that?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 40:26
Yeah, so trauma can impact our sexuality in so many ways. It can impact our sense of safety in our bodies. It can impact our ability to feel pleasure. It can impact our ability to be present. It can impact our trust in ourselves and in others. And healing from trauma is a process. And it's different for everyone. But some of the things that can be helpful are therapy, especially trauma-informed therapy. Somatic work, which is body-based work. Building a sense of safety in your body. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to listen to your body's signals. And going slow. You know, not pushing yourself to do things before you're ready. And I think it's really important to acknowledge that healing from trauma is not linear. It's not a straight path. There will be ups and downs. And that's okay. And I also think it's important to know that healing is possible. You know, trauma does not have to define your sexuality for the rest of your life. And with support and with time and with work, you can reclaim your sexuality. You can reclaim your pleasure. And you can have the kind of sexual experiences that you want to have.
Katie Fogarty 41:30
And I think this notion of trauma with like a big T and a little t is also important, because sometimes people hear the word trauma and they think, well, like, you know, I've never been raped or I've never had something. But you raised the point that there can be—everyone has experienced something that's negative or felt coerced. And I'm thinking of something that you share early in the book, and you sort of touched on it a little bit here, about how we learn about sex. And you asked a very thoughtful, sort of innocent question to a teacher who was giving you a sex ed class when—I forget what grade you were in, but maybe seventh grade—and everyone had to write their question on a slip of paper, and the prompting was there are no bad questions. And you write your question on a slip of paper, and when she gets to yours, she says, like, you know, this is a sort of a disgusting and inappropriate question, and puts it away, not reading it, but giving you this sense of just internal shame for your very natural, curious question. And you were taught there are bad questions. That her response to that just sort of pushed you back on your heels. And so this could be like a lower t trauma, but it's something that informs the way that you thought about sex, sexuality, questioning and curiosity. And everyone has had an experience like that. There has been something that's touched your life. Maybe you were watching a movie when your parent walked in and was like, oh, this is not for you. And then you feel shame. So I appreciate that you're sharing that we've all either unwittingly been part of something where we've felt or experienced a trauma or coercion, or might have done it ourselves, inadvertently or on purpose. Who knows, you know, during our course of our life? And your book is wonderful because it's very neutral in the way that it allows a reader to be. And I love the expression you use earlier. You're welcome to start where you are, and everyone is starting where they are, and they can pick up the book and gain different things out of reading it. Juliana, I want to take a minute now and switch gears. We've been talking about some of the meatier, heavier aspects of the book, the deep dig that people will need to do to explore the concepts for themselves. We've been talking about some of the challenging topics, like sexual trauma. Let's talk about some of the fun stuff, because sex and sexuality is fun. And in doing the research for this conversation, I was on your Amazon page for the book, and it said, quote, 'Dr. Juliana teaches you to have fulfilling, transcendent, fun as fuck, deeply loving sexual experiences.' And this cracked me up, because I think that sometimes people forget sex can be fun as fuck. So walk us through what you explore in the book in terms of the fun, the joy, the zest. What will a reader experience from that angle?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 44:23
I love it, and I saw that review too. I thought that was great. And it is something that I want to bring levity and also, like, what aspect of our sexuality, our sex acts—I mean, I sure hope that it's fun and that it's something that's bringing us pleasure and is fabulous and can bring so much to our lives on a physical and spiritual and emotional level. And I've realized as well that not only—we've already talked a lot about what's missing from our sexual culture, but another element is that we don't have a sexual culture that allows us to celebrate good. And especially when we've partnered up, or we've gotten to, quote, like, to a certain age, that it's—you don't talk about our great sex life, or that great sex that we had last night is just not as welcomed. And we run out of the muscle memory of being able to talk about that, or we're married, it's impolite to talk about those things. And I ask in the book, and I share examples on my own life too, to say, let's celebrate the good. And there's so much good that can happen from a good, fulfilling sex life. But I also found when I got to the places where I wanted to talk about a good sexual experience, I felt my hesitation. And I thought, gosh, you know, what are people gonna think about this? You know, would they think this is great? And I did experience that. I experienced some people writing me and saying, like, wow, so you talked about going to a sex club. And, you know, is that really what you want people to think about you? And the story itself, I think, is actually very benign, if you take it out of context of where it happened, the parts that I share about it. But one of the points I make in sharing that story was that I was curious. I talked about, like, no thank you bites. And in saying, like, you know, if you try something once, then, and if it's a no, the world hasn't ended and is a no moving forward, or maybe it's a yes. And I'm really glad that I took the risk in sharing positive stories about who I am as a sexual being, and that I worked through how vulnerable it felt—more vulnerable to share the good than it did to share the negative. And that realization, like when I was talking to my editor about that, I was like, oh, wow, here's another place that I need to keep growing and learning. And if I had that place, others are going to as well. And so I invite people to share the good and the positive and the fun and to have the audacity or hope that no matter where you are and where you're starting from, that there are pathways to fulfilling and fun as fuck sex.
Katie Fogarty 47:09
I love it, I love it, I love it. I have to tell you my own little story. I was at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago, and it was really just a table of strangers. I knew two of maybe the 20 women in the room, and within two hours, everyone was talking about their sex lives, and I was like, oh my god, I'm only sleeping with my husband. I don't know if I can contribute. But it was just hysterical. But I love your point. And it's like, sometimes we talk about what's negative and hard in our lives, and there's just more candor around what's not going well. We build intimacy with other women by sharing like, oh my gosh, you know, menopause, brain fog, you know, and you're sharing intimate things. But sometimes we don't share the good things and like, the joy that we have and the experiences that we're having. So I love this sort of nudge for us to think about, how do we have just more appreciation or honesty or transparency around like what's going well? Juliana, we're nearing the end of our time, and you explore so many wonderful concepts in your book. There's the nine pillars of holistic sexuality. If you could leave a reader with one change, one big idea, one outcome from reading this book, what would you hope it be and why?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 48:24
I would love for a reader to finish this book and understand the depth of the statement: Who you are as a holistic sexual being is not a luxury, it's a necessity. And having them fill the paragraph in as to why they now see the point of that would be an absolute dream. The next thing I would want them to walk away with is we have the responsibility to claim who we are as sexual beings. It's not just like a birthright to this so that we deserve to have this freedom, but it's our responsibility to claim it and to protect it. We know when cultures and relationships do not have sexual agency, that we see all sorts of bad things happen on small levels and on large levels. And I hope that collectively, this book can change the conversation about our sexual culture, and people feel rallied and like they want to say we deserve more, and we deserve on an individual basis, and we deserve more collectively from our larger culture.
Katie Fogarty 49:38
Cheers to that. Thank you so much for coming back on the show to walk us through your new book, A New Position on Sex, to help us unpack agency, the nine pillars of holistic sexuality, holistic health. I so appreciate it. Where can our listeners find you, continue to follow your work, and learn more about the book?
Dr. Juliana Hauser 50:00
Thank you so much, Katie. I am on all social media platforms: Dr. Juliana Hauser, and my website is dr-juliana.com.
Katie Fogarty 50:09
This wraps A Certain Age, a show for women who are aging without apology. Thank you for joining me for this important conversation about sexual agency. Exploring our sexuality and sensuality is the final frontier of self-development. I took so much away from this conversation. Juliana brings such a warm, empathetic, supportive lens to this conversation. To me, this was a home run. I so enjoyed exploring this topic with her today. If you enjoyed the show, if you took something away, if you're thinking in a new way after listening to our conversation, I would love to hear about it in an Apple podcast or Spotify review, because reviews help other women find the show. I love reading and hearing your reviews every single week. They mean a lot to me. Thanks for sticking around to the end of the show, and as always, special thanks to Michael Mancini who composed and produced our theme music. See you next time and until then, age boldly, beauties.